Don't Stutter, Don't Fear

2021 did not start off great for me to be honest. It started with a trip to the ER which then meant I got sent to a mental health facility. (TRIGGER WARNING) I admitted myself because I saw how scared my friends and family were. The night before (January 2nd), I looked up how many of each of my pills I had to take to OD. I had a plan to just get the "job done" by taking all of them at once. Something made me text my friend in the other room and she came in and stopped me (God intervening). It was a traumatic night. I had been on the edge of a cliff before, but I had never taken one foot off like that. My friends stayed in there with me for the rest of the night. When we got back to Indiana the next day, I fed myself and then got driven to the ER by two of my friends. Oh yeah, did I mention that in the midst of all this I was having a great time in Atlanta with some of my best friends? Why did this happen now? Satan was using every opportunity to tell me I was unloved and alon...

I’m back on depression meds. Also on anxiety meds. Back to seeing a therapist. Back to feeling completely and utterly hopeless.  It’s really hard to think you’re not failing and to think you’re doing “great” and that you’re “so strong” and “admirable” when you feel like crap mentally and physically. It’s hard to feel like you’re being a “good Christian” when you don’t even know how to pray, spend time reading, worship, etc. when you barely even have the energy to get out of bed in the morning. It’s hard to wake up and want to live when you don’t want to be alive. It’s hard to not feel alone when you’re in a room full of people that love you and you still feel completely alone and unloved. It’s hard when you’re driving and you hear a voice tell you to “speed up and run into those trees, that will be quick and easy and not painful.” It’s hard to feel like you’re being a positive example to others and pushing through when you just lay on a couch and stare at a tv show for hours and ho...

One thing I’m learning: I’ve made people my God. Don’t make people your God. They will disappoint you every time. Then, you’ll end up being upset and disappointed by God Himself. People aren’t God, for a reason... People will disappoint you. People will leave. People will act like you were never an important part of their life. People will stop reaching out.  People will say you are family but not show it.  People will blame you for them distancing themselves. People will lie. People will cheat. People will stop responding. People will not be there for you when you’re grieving.  People will stop checking in. People will tell you things that aren’t true about yourself. (You’re a burden, etc.) Will all people do this? Of course not, but people also aren’t God and you WILL get let down. When you have Godly expectations of humans, of course you will get let down. When you make people, friendships, relationships, etc. your God, then of course you’ll be disappointed in the God ...

I am a seed Not yet planted If given the chance, I could bloom Instead, I’ve been beaten and stomped on Mocked and belittled Told that I would never amount to anything That I was a mistake That I was unplanned I never fit in with the other plants at the greenhouse They mocked me because I did not look or act like them The other plants never invited me to grow with them I grew in solitude No one wanted to be my friend I was a depressed seed that just needed some care I was scared to be planted for fear of not looking good enough Anxiety overtook my thoughts They laughed because I never bloomed But I was not given what I needed I did not have extravagant petals or leaves I never had what the other plants had I had second hand sun with weeds surrounding me I was thrown in rocks expecting to grow Plants cannot grow unless they get sunlight and water The environment that they grow in is just as important You need soil to support you as ...

Dear Senior, Look at you! You are so close! All those times you thought high school would never come to an end and now you are on the final stretch. You have made it to you last few weeks of a milestone in your life. You should be proud of yourself for how far you have come. You say you're not gonna miss it. I get it, I said it too. I still believe it, but I want to tell you a few things that you will miss. You will miss the simplicity. You will miss the easy assignments (yes trust me they are easy compared to college). You will miss how much your teachers care and want you to succeed (most professors do not). You will miss the good times you had with members of your class, even if you claim that you hate them all. Trust me, you will miss having everyone together at once. You will miss your laundry being clean and folded. You will miss the home cooked meals (dorm food gets boring fast). You will miss your classes being in one building (enjoy walking more, at least you get mor...

Logic 18002738255 "I finally wanna be alive I don't wanna die today I don't wanna die I finally wanna be alive I finally wanna be alive I don't wanna die" I want you to get to that point, beautiful. Because I am there, and it is a tough battle, but I promise you can win it! Hey you, hang in there. It does get a lot better. "You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it." But, it does get better. I don't know if you who is reading this is a Christian or not, but I want to let you know that prayer works. I have been praying a lot lately and I know others have been praying for me also since they knew I have been struggling. People have "appeared" in my life recently and I know it is not by coincidence because God has placed them there for me. There are no coincidences with God. People have come at the perfect time for me when I was at my weakest. Last week, I had one of the best nights of my l...