"People Always Leave..." (when you make them your God)

One thing I’m learning: I’ve made people my God.

Don’t make people your God. They will disappoint you every time. Then, you’ll end up being upset and disappointed by God Himself.

People aren’t God, for a reason...

People will disappoint you.

People will leave.

People will act like you were never an important part of their life.

People will stop reaching out. 

People will say you are family but not show it. 

People will blame you for them distancing themselves.

People will lie.

People will cheat.

People will stop responding.

People will not be there for you when you’re grieving. 

People will stop checking in.

People will tell you things that aren’t true about yourself. (You’re a burden, etc.)

Will all people do this? Of course not, but people also aren’t God and you WILL get let down. When you have Godly expectations of humans, of course you will get let down. When you make people, friendships, relationships, etc. your God, then of course you’ll be disappointed in the God you serve because you have unrealistic expectations for things that aren’t Him. You’ve put something before Him and made others an idol. 

I think this is one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn in 2020 specifically. Walking through grief and seeing how people I had thought cared about me and loved me were not showing up for me, not checking in on me, not reaching out... it broke me. It honestly made me angry. I’ve been harboring that anger for 7 months now. I’ve made the motto “people always leave” a reality in my life, something I live by... That's such a negative perspective, yet it feels so real in my heart. Yet, I also know that God wouldn't want me to think of all His creation like that... I’ve started to see nothing but negativity. I’ve become pessimistic when most people would normally say I’m a pretty optimistic person. When someone told me that they had seen me change into that the last few months, it hurt. But, it hurt because I knew they were right...

Ever since May first started, (May 4th we received hard news) it is like I have been keeping a track record of all of the times God has disappointed me since. I can tell you week by week since then what has seemed to go wrong. Exactly two weeks after that date, one of the most important people in my life unexpectedly passed away. From there, I became an angry, shut off, emotionally detached person. With some people, I could fake it and they could not tell anything was wrong. Insert a little, "God is good all the time" here and there, and they admire your strength and faith. Lol, if only they knew what was going on in my mind, they would wonder who the Cassie in front of them had become... I did not really know how to navigate life this way because I had become exactly the person I did not want to be, but I also did not want to change...

Let me back up a little and say that I am a very observant person and once I lost this important person in my life, I know who did not reach out, I know who did not show they cared... (A comment on facebook that is emotionless does very little for someone suffering great loss) I recognized more of who did not show up for me in that time than those that did. It sounds terrible, but this is the mindset I got stuck in... I felt like I was back in elementary school or back on that wretched couch feeling alone in my suffering and pain, feeling like no one cared that I was hurting. You might read this and think, "but the corona virus..." Guess what though, you can't transmit the corona virus through a phone... It is as simple as checking in on your people... And truly checking in, not just asking "how are you?" after they lose someone they love. I think you know the answer to that question. I bet reading this right now, you are hearing the negativity in my words, but can you try and read it through a lens of hurt instead? 

I was the second car after the hearse. It wasn't until I saw them load her casket into it and I started driving that I lost it. I thought I had to be strong in front of my family. I thought that I had to be strong around my family. I couldn't show them how much I was hurting. That 1.9 mile drive from the funeral home to the cemetery (going extremely slow...) was gut wrenching. Seeing her before the coroner took her away, getting the call when I was on the way into the store, being told across the phone that my grandma had died... two weeks after my uncle was rushed to 3 different hospitals, a week after hearing he had lung cancer that had spread (he was already in stage 4)... My brain had no time to process anything. Sitting in that Kroger parking lot and getting a call from my dad, I knew something was wrong. We just did not call each other often, we talked more over text. I immediately say, "that's weird"... And in my head, I am not even thinking it is about my uncle, I immediately say, "it's grandma..." The service cuts in and out and I just hear the sound of concern in his voice. I know immediately. Then, he says it, "Cassie? Cassie, your grandma just died..." 

From there, I said some choice words, (I never cuss so this was a rare occasion...) punched the steering wheel, switched seats with my best friend, and she drove me back to my apartment. I then proceeded to throw things in my room, collapse, cry more, explain that I don't even know what I am doing, what I need to grab, etc. Then, I cried all the way home (back home, home) as she drove me because trust me, it would not have been good for me to drive... And from there, the emotional roller coaster got worse. Those days are etched in my brain forever. I am thankful for all she did for me in that time as well as the ones that genuinely did reach out and check in on me, but it was honestly hard to see the positives in that time. 

I became pretty focused on the people that didn't reach out. I became focused on the community that I felt like left me in my pain. I distanced myself from that because I did not feel the love of Jesus that I knew I was supposed to feel. I became focused on the family that said things during that time that hurt. I became focused on the support others were getting and the support that I did not feel like I had. I became focused on the "best friends" that I grew apart from that didn't message me. I became so focused on the hurt and pain that now, 7 months later, I am still stuck in the fixed/negative mindset that I am alone in my pain, no one cares that I am suffering, I am a burden, I cannot process my grief because I should be "okay" by now, and so many other negative thoughts. 

I would have saved myself a lot of hurt if I would have done one thing differently. If I would not have made people my God, I would not have been let down as much. I had unrealistic expectations for humans. The thing is, most of the people that hurt me during this time, would call themselves Christians, so I guess I had higher expectations for them. But, again, they are not God... Could it all have been handled better, could people have reached out more, could the church have been more of a church, could I have had more support and love shown to me? Of course, but the thing is, I could have reacted differently too... I could have ran to God's open arms, but I was mad. I was mad at Him because I felt like He was bullying me. I felt like He was leaving me alone in my pain and that He was making these bad things happen to me to bring me down. Guys, I knew this to be untrue... Yet, my heart no longer believed it to be true. That's the difference between knowing and believing, at least to me. I was unbelievably mad at the world. 

I haven't been the greatest friend to others since. I haven't wanted to listen to others talk about their pain because I cannot even bear my own at the moment. I have become more shut off and have distanced myself thinking I would keep myself from getting hurt again. Past trauma has come up, and though I know that people do not mean to trigger me, I go into a downward spiral of thoughts like: "They hate me, they don't want to be around me, I am annoying to everyone around me, I am a burden" and many other thoughts. I cry out to God and ask Him why Him of all people has left me alone during this time, and I hear Him say, "my child, I have not left you alone. You have been so distracted by everything and everyone around you, focusing on the negatives, that you have not seen the good that has happened during this time..." And I remember that during all of this pain, sadness, grief, etc. God has provided for me, He has been with me through it all, He has loved me, He has been the only reason I have made it this far... 

See, I focused so much on everything around me and was picking out all the negatives, that I could not see a single positive thing that has happened in the last 7 months. I made people my God and forgot about the actual God I love and serve. I downward spiraled so bad that in August, I had a night where I was completely hopeless and just started driving honestly hoping that my final destination would not be on this earth. A friend called me and talked me down. Since then, I have had multiple more nights like that. Three of them which have been pretty recent (within the last 2 weeks). (Suicidal ideation is nothing to be taken lightly...) I am depressed again. I hate admitting that, but I have been running from it for a while. I feel like I am back at square one and though I have made it out of the pit before, this one feels much much deeper. I feel like I try to climb out, scratch my way out, and I get nowhere. I feel like I am drowning and each new piece of bad news attaches to me like a heavy weight and continues to drag me under even more. 

I recently got back into therapy with a new therapist and there is a good chance that I am going back on an antidepressant after my appointment Wednesday (the day before Christmas Eve). Ultimately though, I know that I will never get better until my misbelief about God and people changes. Are people terrible? Some aren't great... but the people that God has blessed me with that do truly and genuinely care about me deserve better than unrealistic expectations. They deserve better than my trauma and triggers making me assume that they do not love me and care about me. They deserve better than me testing to make sure that they care. They deserve better than being put under a microscope. They deserve better than what my mind does when they disappoint me. I deserve better for myself as well. I deserve better than the feelings I have because of unresolved trauma, unforgiven hurt, etc. I can again make it out of this pit, I can for once and all say, "I will never get back to this place again." I can actually put my trust in God and believe Him for who He is and not my disbelief/misbelief about Him. I can again be the "optimistic Cassie" that most people knew/loved. I can and WILL get out of this pit again, but I cannot rely on people to do it for me. I have to rely on the one and only God that can help me do that. Do I need and want a loving support system and community around me while I walk through that? Of course! But healing from all of this means distancing from some, re-learning how to walk through friendships, changing my perspective, believing better about God, and putting my trust fully in Him. It looks like me putting Him first.

Healing is not an easy process and that is one of the many reasons why many people stay stuck. That is why I have stayed stuck for so long. It isn't easy when everything is brought to the surface. When everything is brought to the surface, you have two options; keep it there and let it negatively effect your everyday life, or deal with it and get healing from it. Wouldn't you rather choose the latter? When you learn in a pivotal time in your life that you have had disbeliefs and misbeliefs about God this whole time that you need to work on, it can be hard to realize and takes work to get out of. It actually shows your strength when you admit these truths. Is it easy to open up like this? Is it easy to start seeing a therapist? Definitely not easy, but it also is not easy to continue to walk through hurt and pain over and over because it is unresolved. I choose to finally get better, no matter how hard. I choose to stop in the moment I want to leave and explain why I am hurt or triggered. I choose to heal, finally. I am stepping into this healing, into this forgiveness, and more importantly, I am running to the open arms of Jesus because "God is madly in love with you" (Good Grace-Hillsong United) and that is one thing that will never change, one thing that will never let you down. 

"If it wasn't for the breaking, I would never know the mend." (Grave by Cochren & Co.) I love these words and the song it comes from and the truth in it tells me a lot. It tells me that God is a mender and even if I am broken, I can be put back together. But, instead of the cracks/glue being all my hurt, trauma, disbelief, it becomes forgiveness, grace, redemption, I become a beautiful masterpiece. I become the optimistic Cassie that I was once known as, but I become better. Better mentally, emotionally, and spiritually because I hop off the people pleasing, people serving, self-centered train and jump on the God fearing, God centered train instead. I step into the Light and out of the darkness. I stop having unrealistic and unfair expectations of people and I accept the Love and Grace that God offers me each day and He becomes my best friend. 

I will keep you all updated... ;-)

"I don't want to be afraid every time I face the waves." (Peace Be Still by Lauren Daigle and Belonging Co.) 

I want to leave you with some truths that the beautiful Christine Caine posted the other day that came at a perfect time and a verse that I think is also perfect timing:

"People cannot do for you what only God can do for you. 

People cannot give you what only God can give you. 

People cannot love you in the way that only God loves you. 

People cannot know you as God alone knows you. 

Don't try to get from people what you can only get from God." -Christine Caine

Micah 7:7-8 NASB:

"But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me.  Do not rejoice over me, O my enemy. Though I fall, I WILL RISE; Though I dwell in darkness, the Lord is a Light for me."

Last thing: I highly recommend reading Lysa Terkeurst's new book "Forgiving What You Can't Forget"