The Story I Never Wanted…

I never wanted this to be a part of my story. Quite honestly, I got to a point in my life already where I felt like God had already “given me enough of a testimony” and He could lay off for a little while… (please hear the joking sarcasm in that…)  I guess I was naive and forgot that our testimony earth side is being added to each and every day, and though there are extremely difficult and challenging things we go through on this side of eternity, there are also really awesome things we get to experience as well. What I am about to share does not qualify as one of those awesome things. I understand if you have to stop reading here..

Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault & Suicidal Ideation…

I am going to go ahead and start by saying this… Isn’t it amazing how someone can completely break your spirit, take advantage of you, manipulate and abuse you, and still somehow twist you to be the villain? Even after I experienced what I did, I never wanted to ruin this person’s life. I never had the desire to press charges and have everyone that knew them and me to know what they did to me, to ruin their life by throwing them in jail, to honestly have the public eye viewing this at all. Maybe that’s because in some sick and twisted way, I still cared about this person, even after realizing that for weeks and weeks, I had been love bombed, manipulated in so many ways, lied to, and abused. But I guess that’s your reality when you’ve been forced to love your abusers in the past… You become attached to them, believe it is the only kind of “love” you deserve, and you come to believe that this will always be your reality. The fact that I was originally going to keep in contact with this person after this, is still mind blowing to me. The night it happened, I planned to drive 100 mph into a rock wall in hopes that I would never have to live with this pain, go through the healing of this that I didn’t see me surviving through. Why would you stay in contact with the person that tried to take you away from this side of eternity? Don’t.

Wednesday: September 18, 2024

I went to work early that morning. My anxiety had been sky high since the weekend. On Monday (my birthday), I had two massive panic attacks that almost led to me passing out. I was able to keep myself conscious, but to say that I had a birthday week from Hell, is putting it lightly. (Can we pleaseee redeem that next year??) I was only at work for about 4 hours that morning but was violently shaking most of the time I was there, couldn’t fake a smile, everyone knew something was up. I had someone cover my last few hours the day before, etc. Cassie wasn’t doing well. I walked up to my manager on duty for the day and had tears in my eyes and started sobbing and said, “I’m sorry but I can’t do this today. I have to leave.” They looked as confused as I would expect. Let’s rewind and come back to this..

The weekend before…

The weekend before my birthday, I celebrated with some “friends”. I had met one girl through another individual that had said they wanted to celebrate my birthday ahead of time with me. We met up with my sweet friend later on in the night who would end up joining us for 2 hours. Cassie doesn’t drink much, if she does drink, she is normally a one and done girl. Not this night… I was already feeling pretty numb to things, had friendships that were going awry, hadn’t heard from certain “friends” in quite a while, felt like I wasn’t loved and supported by my close group of people, had really difficult conversations right before this with friends and felt like I was failing at every aspect of my life, in addition to this, I had this “saint” that had come into my life that was telling me all of these people didn’t love and support me and in turn were actually doing the opposite. And that my “new family” would be there for me through it all… So basically, I believed that and knew that on September 14th, I was going to get messed up with some liquid distraction… 10+ drinks later, Cassie spilled her guts in the presence of the “saint” and shared vulnerabilities she should have never shared and immediately regretted. The problem? It was already out there for the ears that heard it. And boy did they lock in.

Instant regret. I tried so hard to backtrack once said person went to get more drinks. (I am about 90% certain now that I was drunk, but I had never been drunk before so I had nothing to compare it to.) The other girl I had met that night assured me that everything was fine and that this person was trustworthy and respectful and I had nothing to worry about. But many comments from “L” (is what we will call them), definitely started to make me worried. But I still wasn’t fully in my right mind either. “God, you’re even more beautiful than I thought you were. Even more amazing. You make me wish I was 30 again.” And many more where that came from…

Rewind to Friday for a bit… Somewhere in my subconscious, I had to have known that there were many red flags. And yet I ignored them. I stayed the weekend at the house because I had a “parental figure” in my life. Turned my location off, told my friends I was staying at a “friend’s” house. “Nothing” happened this weekend except many uncomfortable comments had been made, along with calling on people in my life that had died but were still “here”. I’m sorry and beg my pardon but WTF? Screwed up things like knowing word for word things my dead grandma had said to me, knowing I had a friend that died when I was young and saying things to me “from” them both, was just a small glimpse into the manipulation I was hearing. I tried very quickly to shut these conversations down because my recent charismatic background says “nope!” to that demonic witchcraft. It continued.

Saturday night, many more comments had been made after more liquid courage was ingested by L. The night ended with the other friend NOT spending the night like originally spoken about. I was uncomfortable. But I couldn’t drive. And none of my friends knew where I was. Thank you Jesus for protecting me this night. The only thing that transpired then was a forced laying on me, overly long, hug. And the comment of “I f-ing love you kid. So thankful God so beautifully brought us together. God has great things in store for us.”

I woke up the next morning and heard a loud voice say, “leave immediately. Do not stay. Do not hang around. Go to church. Now.” I felt like a freight train had gone straight through my stomach. I didn’t even have a hangover headache. It was the acid reflux and the nausea that was intense. I went to the 9am at church, less than 8 hours after I had been pouring them back and spilling my guts. I told a close friend some details of where I had been over the weekend but didn’t share a lot. I felt protective of this part of my life. Explain that?

My birthday, September 16th

The next day was my birthday. Awful. I had no desire to celebrate. I was overcome with extreme anxiety all day. Somehow made it through my shift. The moment I walked in the door of my home, I broke down. Hyperventilating, couldn’t breathe, nearly passed out. My best friend had no idea what was happening and I didn’t let her know anything about the weekend. I would have another panic attack that evening. I hadn’t heard from multiple people I cared about that day and was already hearing all of the lies about not being loved. I had been cancelled on by multiple people for my birthday so I expected to spend it in bed in my room. A friend came over. I wasn’t really great with her at that moment. I wasn’t really great with any of my friends at that moment. But I apologized and then we all went to dinner. Never told them about the weekend. I had hid my Instagram stories from them too. Are you catching the vibe that in my spirit I knew  something was up, but I was ignoring it? I had been manipulated to believe that L was the only safe person in my life, despite the red flags. And I felt like I couldn’t share any part of any of this with any of the people I knew deep down actually DID love me. 

Tuesday- anxiety is still intense. I have someone cover my last few hours of shift. I finally give a guy a chance that I wasn’t honestly romantically interested in, but he was funny and sweet so we went on a date. It was fun, but my feelings still hadn’t changed. L is texting me while I’m on the date. Then starts telling me about their relationship issues.

The morning of the incident…

Wednesday comes around. I’m up early for work. So is L. I receive messages about how they are jealous I had gone on a date. And then proceeds to backtrack and explain it as being super protective of me after what they now know (from me over sharing). I immediately get super anxious and start overthinking everything. I don’t respond right away. Next thing I know, I have 10 messages in a row. The messages continue about me being amazing and God obviously brought us together, the feeling of being overprotective of me, etc. I blow it off and say it’s all okay. This is how parents feel about their kids, right? Let’s be honest y’all, he knew my background and experience with “men” in my life and latched onto that. Every vulnerability, he used. I was being groomed, like I was a child. And mentally, I had gone back to a “childlike” mindset because I was made to believe that the people that loved me, didn’t actually love me, so I was “protecting” my inner child. And even through the red flags, was made to believe there was some kind of safety with L.

I only survive at work for 4 hours. I lose it and go home. Friend is still confused. I just chalk it up to anxiety about everything changing, moving again soon, etc. I reach out to L and see what they’re up to for the night. Their house still somehow felt like the only safe place in my life at the moment. My mind had been so manipulated and I was so vulnerable that I was grasping. 

When L finally got home later that night, we just talked for a while. Mostly everything was fine, and then comments started getting made again. “Well what do you think of us? Like what is this?” Me: “friends and nothing more. If anything, you’re like a dad figure in my life.” “Well I can’t get to that place mentally because I’m extremely attracted to you and can’t think of you like a daughter.” After this comment and 2 others, my shoes were on, my bag was around me, and I was getting up to leave. I knew this was definitely not a safe place for me anymore. And I believed that if I didn’t leave in that moment, I was definitely going to be raped. 

As I’m standing up, inching towards the door, L says, “I can’t let you leave right now, I’m worried you’re going to hurt yourself. Please don’t do that, I think you just need a hug.” As I get embraced in a hug, I nearly collapse. Something in me broke in that moment and my eyes filled with tears. This hug was the only consensual thing that took place from here on out. But I didn’t let go for a second. Look up “touch starvation” if you’re curious. I have only had a few moments in my life that this has created such an emotional response, but it had always been from mother figures. From there, I pushed away multiple times, verbally said no multiple times, but that didn’t matter. L got what he wanted. For the next (what felt like) 30-45+ minutes, it was like I was witnessing myself from afar, getting sexually assaulted. My body froze and I couldn’t even move. When all of this started, my watch started vibrating and I looked down to see my favorite person was calling me. I hadn’t heard from her on my birthday and it had broken my heart. But I chalked it up to her being busy. In that very moment though, it felt like God was telling me that my Angel was with me. I couldn’t get to my phone, but I knew she would leave a voicemail. So for the next 2 minutes, I didn’t feel completely alone while this all transpired. Things happened that night to me that have never happened before. Something finally snapped in me at some point and I freaked out and pushed L off of me, started screaming, and pulled up my pants. If that very moment wouldn’t have happened, I believe this story would have been much different. 

I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. Came out to L drinking water like nothing had happened. I started to walk out the door and get the Hell out of there when I was stopped. L grabbed my face and said “no shame, no fear, no regret.” And I just continued to say “that will never ever happen again. That has never happened to me. No. I’m leaving. You’re letting me leave.” At which I was forced to wait on an escort out to my car and a wave from the porch like this pervert didn’t just take advantage of someone 3 decades younger than him and act like nothing happened. 

On the way home, I knew exactly what rock wall I was going to smash into to end it. Less than 2/10 of a mile from it, I got pulled over. Cassie was speeding trying to get back home and far away from there. Thankfully, no ticket was involved. That police officer doesn’t know he saved me that night. I wish I would have had the courage in that moment to tell him what had just happened. Hell, I was so brainwashed that I called L after and said I was okay after getting pulled over and didn’t get a ticket. Only to continue to say that could never happen again because somewhere in my brain, I thought I needed L. L was a part of things that seemed like pieces of my dream coming true. How could I achieve it without L? Would my dreams have to die? 

After…

The next day, and days after, I was still receiving texts. I had no idea how to cut him off. This individual had been a person that I had met people I deeply cared about through. How could I just cut these people off with no explanation?

        I learned that for me to heal and get through this, it meant some temporary pain and confusion for others, but if I didn’t, I wouldn’t survive. 

The next day, September 19th, I went to work. The whole day, I had continuous flashbacks of the night. I was very stone faced at work, don’t know that I smiled at all. After work, I shared with my friend who I was about to become roommates with, what had happened the night before. She was a good listening ear. I made it through my shift because I knew I had to after leaving early so much recently. My church conference started that night. I was so angry that the enemy had orchestrated this happening right before my church conference to distract me. No matter what I did that weekend, I was violently shaking the whole time, especially during worship. And sobbing. All the tears. Christine Caine’s message hit me so hard. It was how drifting can lead to you completely losing focus with God and turmoil happening. I had “lost my markers” in the weeks before this and allowed a very untrustworthy person to become someone I trusted way too much. This isn’t blaming myself, because I know even if that is true, me being sexually assaulted was NOT AT ALL MY FAULT. If you need that reminder because it has happened to you, please say it over and over again… This was not my fault. This was not my fault.

After Christine’s message the last night of conference, I completely broke. I ended up on my knees absolutely sobbing at the altar. You know how they say “puddle of tears”? There was legitimately a puddle when I gathered myself off the floor. A friend came and started praying over me, I hadn’t yet shared with her what was happening in my life but while she was praying in the spirit, she continuously said, “let it go, let it go, let it go.” I wanted to, but it was so fresh, I had no idea how to. My prayer the next few weeks was continuously asking God to help me get through each day, to heal my heart and mind, to make the flashbacks stop. They continued for weeks after. 

My body was in absolute turmoil. I have never experienced anxiety like this… Yes, worse than the days I left work early, worse than other times in the past. Think constantly shaking, your heart rate never calming down, looking over your shoulder for weeks, etc. L knew where I worked, where I frequented on the weekends, where I went to church, etc. Even worse, I met L through my current favorite thing, so with that, so many “safe” places no longer felt safe. I looked over my shoulder for weeks. Every time I saw certain color or makes of trucks, I would have an anxiety attack. Many panic attacks that almost led to me passing out happened. Many days of my heart rate skyrocketing, me never being able to stop shaking, my body never entered the “calm state”. I couldn’t listen to my favorite singer for weeks after this without having a panic attack, couldn’t see a picture of her without the same reaction. I had to take a social media break, but before I did, I went through and removed L and his whole posse. Later, I would finally block everyone. I was off of social media for almost 2 months after this. I have recently found out that when people asked L where I was and what happened, he mentioned something along the lines of “her going all churchy and deleting everyone on social media…” okay, if that’s the story we are going with… 

About a month after this happened, I hit a very low, low in my depression, again. This time, I had no desire to live. I was in a self condemnation spiral as well. How could I, a 26 year old be so vulnerable with such a manipulator. To those reading this, these kind of people, like L are master manipulators. This is their main job. Their career is their side gig. They are phenomenal at convincing you that they are saints. Do not join the spiral I did if you are ever a victim of such a person. Anyways, it felt like I couldn’t feel joy, no matter what I did. I was suicidal again. I had moved in Nashville and now lived very close to a pedestrian bridge that sat very high over the river… I went on a walk at that park with a friend one evening and my heart rate got up to 140 and I had a panic attack because I kept hearing “here is your way out, end it like this.” And that terrified me. In therapy, my therapist said, “what about Quinzel? What would she do, what would she think?” If y’all know me, my nieces and nephews usually bring me back to reality. I do not ever want to let them down and I want to be a good influence for them to look up to… I responded, “she’s 6. She will get over this quickly and will soon forget who Aunt Cassie was.” It took a lot of convincing and me making a “survival plan” with my therapist that day before leaving, for her not to admit me then and there. I couldn’t go back in a mental health facility, my experience in the last one was awful. Next thing I knew, multiple people on my church staff and in my group from church knew, etc. I still felt very alone in the healing process and it felt like multiple friends didn’t care that I had told them this awful thing happened. I learned very quickly, that if someone hasn’t experienced sexual assault, they won’t understand the amount of pain, confusion, and PTSD that can come from it. Coming from someone who has experienced every type of abuse to some degree, I believe for me personally, this was the hardest part of my story to this point. This also tied in a lot of mental and emotional abuse and a lot of manipulation as well though. It definitely teaches you grace for some of the very ignorant comments you will receive. Because again, they cannot understand. (I am sure there will be some after I put this out into the world).

I hid out for a month and a half. It took me over a month to even go back to my favorite place to line dance because I was terrified of running into this person. Scared to even be out in public. Still haven’t gone back to where I celebrated my birthday because it doesn’t feel safe. I finally put myself out there one night and decided to go to an album release party because a friend had asked and some of my favorites were going to be there, plus tickets were only $10 so why not? That morning I got this overwhelming feeling L was going to be there that night. I worked up the courage to go anyways. I waited in my car for my friend. The date I mentioned earlier, I saw him as I pulled in, was already feeling awkward and wasn’t going to leave myself exposed because I knew L was there also… While I am waiting in my car, he walks behind it. Not once, but twice. And I just know that he saw me. Same outfit as the weekend before my birthday, of course. My heart rate got up to 180, sitting down, shaking. My friend gets there and meets me at my car. I work up the courage to go to the front line but I hear his voice, and that laugh… Instant tears and shaking again. I don’t want to let her down and ruin her night so I tell her we can go to the back line and I can try that. The moment after I scan my ticket and I am about to get my bracelet, L and his girlfriend walk across and of course pick the very front, middle table. I know in that moment no matter where I sit, I will have to look at him and they will be in every single photo or video. I can’t do it and I leave, confusing Momma Jean and everyone else in line cause I’m shaking and sobbing as I walk as quickly as possible to my car. 

BUT, that night finally got me MAD. And that, is what I needed to propel my healing and I didn’t even realize it at the time. If you have gone through something very traumatic, you may know that you had to get mad, had to get through the apathy and depression to find your will to live again, your will to want to “be” again.

        Sometimes it takes you getting MAD to realize your life is worth the living. You have to feel an extreme emotion to remind yourself you are still alive and there is good to come.

The next day, was the NYE pre-taping. I got a special invite from the fan club to be there so I did everything in my power to make it happen, praying he wouldn’t be there. He wasn’t. But some familiar faces I did not want to see were. I moved past that. Made friends with two sweet ladies who kind of took me under their wing for the night. We stayed close for the whole taping. Ultimately, I was able to have FUN that night and it felt like it had been forever since that happened. My favorite saw me from stage and smiled and waved at me and that night felt redeeming and healing after all the crap prior. So, if anyone wants to know why I have a special place in my heart for a certain singer or why I am a “super fan” in your eyes (it doesn’t feel that way to me, I feel like I am supporting a friend) it’s because she may or know it yet, but we have been through some crap lol. I was able to listen to her music again without having a panic attack. Shortly after this night, I finally felt okay enough to get back on social media. 

It hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows since. Therapy since this happened has been difficult y’all. But everyday, I feel less anxious and feel like I am finally able to breathe more and more. Things I have learned since… well there has been a lot. But we definitely are not going to start any self condemnation either because that is an unhealthy and unhelpful thing that we tried for a bit after. But, we can learn from it and make sure we have a lot more boundaries in place in the future. I know now that I will be a lot less trusting, a lot more protective of myself and my time and my people. I will be more on guard and will not ignore red flags. I will block and remove who I need to remove if it means they are no longer allowed to have access in my life. And I will not feel bad about that. 

And for you… If you have ever experienced sexual assault, I wanna say first off, I know this was hard to read, and I am proud of you. I never wanted this to be a part of my story. I didn’t think I would survive. I didn’t want to survive. I felt like the healing and work to get better after this was actually going to kill me as well. So, I know those feelings. But also, I am still here. 3 months later. And so are you. However long it has been since it happened to you, and you SURVIVED. And that counts for something. A HUGE something. I will never be able to explain to you how proud I am for you continuing to go on when some days the PTSD feels paralyzing, you just want to lie in bed in cry, the flashbacks make you physically nauseous and sick. I get it. And I am so very sorry. And I would love to kick whoever did it to you, very hard in a place that it would hurt very bad, but I know that it wouldn’t ease your pain. I want you to know, that ups and downs in the healing process do NOT mean you are failing. Every step you take, even if there are multiple stumbles or steps backwards, are progress, and it is really freaking hard, so know, you have someone cheering you on. I wish there was an easy answer and even maybe a specific moment where a snap of the fingers meant you no longer felt any pain from this, no more flashbacks, etc. But sadly, I know that isn’t our reality. 

I would never force you to forgive your rapist or the person that assaulted you, but I will tell you, that you do not deserve the huge weight that is on your shoulders because of that unforgiveness and you deserve full freedom from this, not “half” freedom, because that isn’t freedom, friend. I haven’t yet forgiven the person that did this to me. Reason being, I am very much still in the midst of my healing and I know it would be very disingenuous at the moment. Remember, forgiveness doesn’t have to be for the other person, it’s for you. They say unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It doesn’t work that way. I know one day I will be able to forgive this individual, but right now, I am still learning how to get back to thriving after learning how to survive this… And learning how to see said person in person and not have a massive panic attack when they are in the same space as me. It’s okay if you have to do what is best for you initially but may confuse others or give them some temporary pain because you cannot explain why you have to do what you have to do in those moments. My therapist told me that my survival was essential, especially in the beginning. And that I had to be what some would see as “selfish” to survive for a bit. Fun fact: that is hard to do for a people pleaser…

All this to say, this is the story I never wanted. After this all happened, it took me quite a while to see a point in continuing, fighting to stay alive, wanting to live. There have been a lot of people I thought would be there for me in this heartbreak that weren’t and that added to the pain. I had to let go of relationships that I thought would be in my life for the long haul. Sometimes, you realize you can be there for someone through the hardest and most trying parts of their life, but when push comes to shove and you, yourself are experiencing something heart breaking or soul crushing, those people won’t be there for you. That was a hard reality to accept. I think that has been a reality I have had to become familiar with the last few years though, and I don’t think it ever gets easier to accept. 

            “You find out who your friends are” is definitely a true song…

Where does one go from here?

PRAY, pray, and pray some more. Believe there will be good things to come, embrace every positive moment along the way. Breathe, remember to breathe, take deep breaths, do things you love, spend time with people you love. Be on guard, protect yourself in MULTIPLE ways. Don’t blame yourself. Remember that no matter what, this wasn’t your fault. But, you deserve to get through this and past this and you deserve true FREEDOM. Please, do what it takes to heal, because you deserve to be free and healed. I’m praying for you through this, friend. 

Let’s walk in to 2025 dropping old chains and promising to never pick them up again. 

You are so very loved, friend.