It’s Hard (trigger warning)

I’m back on depression meds. Also on anxiety meds. Back to seeing a therapist. Back to feeling completely and utterly hopeless. 

It’s really hard to think you’re not failing and to think you’re doing “great” and that you’re “so strong” and “admirable” when you feel like crap mentally and physically. It’s hard to feel like you’re being a “good Christian” when you don’t even know how to pray, spend time reading, worship, etc. when you barely even have the energy to get out of bed in the morning. It’s hard to wake up and want to live when you don’t want to be alive. It’s hard to not feel alone when you’re in a room full of people that love you and you still feel completely alone and unloved. It’s hard when you’re driving and you hear a voice tell you to “speed up and run into those trees, that will be quick and easy and not painful.” It’s hard to feel like you’re being a positive example to others and pushing through when you just lay on a couch and stare at a tv show for hours and hours. It’s hard when you laugh for a little bit with family or friends but then you get alone and you cry yourself to sleep and have spiritual battles no one knows about time and time again. It’s hard to say you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts again when people don’t take it too seriously until it’s too late. It’s hard to explain these feelings when people just say “look at all the blessings you have”. It’s hard to see the positives when you feel nothing but negative. It’s hard to keep pushing on when you want to completely give up. It’s hard to put on a fake smile and say you’re doing good because you don’t want to drag people down. It’s hard to continue school and persevering when you just want to drop out and give up. It’s hard to sleep when you constantly have nightmares and wake up trembling. It’s hard to feel awake when you wake up all throughout the night and you have trouble falling asleep. It’s hard to feel like a good friend when you can’t even be someone for yourself. It’s hard to hear someone else’s pain when you can’t even bear your own. It’s hard to heal when you feel like it brings on even more pain. It’s hard to feel loved when people drop you like you meant nothing. It’s hard to appreciate the ones here when it feels like everyone has left. It’s hard to admit these things knowing people won’t care, will think it’s for attention, will be disappointed because you’re “back to that mindset”. It’s hard to admit that you’re depressed, suicidal, and always anxious. It’s hard to live with these labels and not have them define you. It’s hard to keep going.

I’m tired of it being hard. I know it will never be easy, but I just want to feel like I can breathe again. I just want to feel “okay”. I just want to feel like a good friend again, good daughter, good sister, good aunt, etc. I’m tired of always being tired, depressed, anxious, panicky, not wanting to live, etc. 

I want to fall in love with life again. I want to want to live. I want to want to be something more than this.