365 days later…

What if I would have crashed into that wall going 100 mph??? Would I still be here and if I was, how different would my reality look? Paralyzed? Would I have died and would my story have ended…? 

If my story would have ended I would have never experienced the last 365 days. In those days, I got a new job that I absolutely love and because of that met some of my most favorite people in this world that have become family. I would have never met my new niece. I wouldn’t have laughed so hard I cried, 100’s of times, I wouldn’t have gone all the places I’ve gone. I would have never walked through the healing process of something I thought I would never heal from. I wouldn’t have experienced the joy I finally felt again. I wouldn’t have had every moment with the people I love in the last 365 days. You can’t tell me there’s not a God. Because that night, He saved me in 2 different ways. Though I was sexually assaulted, He stopped it right before something happened that could have caused an even worse chain of events to take place months later. In addition to that, a cop pulled me over less than a quarter mile before the rock wall I planned to slam into, to end it. He clocked me going 75 in a 55. I got let off with a warning. I planned to get up to 100+ mph… But God. 

My encounter with evil that night taught me more than I could have imagined. I can tell you it taught me red flags to catch in the moment instead of months later, who does and doesn’t get to have access to me anymore, that it’s okay to be unkind to a master manipulator, it’s completely fine to cut someone off that abused you, that there are other women and young girls that need to be protected and I will make sure they know the kind of person he is. Another important part is that it is my story and he cannot keep me from telling it. My temporary embarrassment from ever being somewhat associated with this man can be risked to make sure someone else doesn’t have to go through the pain I did. My shame of ever trusting him can be tossed aside because though I wouldn’t ever want to live through that night again, experiencing this trauma had led to me being able to relate to so many others I never would have been able to if this wasn’t part of my story. It has also helped me be able to pick out red flags and see warning signs for others and be a support for them to get out of a situation they found themselves in. Someone I look up to a lot took action immediately after they knew about this and that spoke volumes to me on the kind of person they are and taught me that I will always be in their corner. It also showed me who wasn’t in my corner after confiding in some and not hearing from them again. 

A weak human that gets off on preying on and manipulating and assaulting an emotionally and mentally vulnerable human is not someone I ever want to be associated with and will make sure that everyone knows exactly who that person really is. After telling my story, I found out I wasn’t the only one (shocker) but I was his most “successful” story that I heard.. September of last year, I felt completely alone, I felt like all of my friends weren’t supportive, I had a terrible birthday with multiple panic attacks, and had gotten to a place that I didn’t even care if I existed anymore. He knew I was vulnerable and had convinced me he was family and safe. To the point that when I left work 6+ hours early that day because of anxiety and panic attacks, I thought the only safe place for me to go, was his house. How wrong I was. That night would turn into the worst night of my life. Up until this point, I thought I couldn’t go through anything worse than I already had in my life. (Wrong again).

I don’t need to go into detail about that night. I will tell you this, I knew my chances of him ever getting charged and anything actually coming from it was slim to none. Look up the statistics (less than 2%). So I chose not to put myself through the Hell of the “he said she said” rhetoric and ever having to see him face to face again (by the way, Nashville might be big but I have still had to see him 3 times in person since, thank God I wasn’t alone and could be far away from him at most times). The next 2 months, it was all I could do to survive and to want to live. I couldn’t subject myself to additional pain in the midst of trying to survive. I learned that a person has to heal the way they need to, with no timeline. And people do not get to tell you how to heal. Thank God for my therapist, she was the main reason I made it through this last year and even came into the office this morning to meet with me because she knew it was the anniversary. 

I think there are a few things that I have had to do this past year and realize. One is being proud of myself and being able to look back and celebrate every little victory through it all. To see that I made it and will continue to make it. To see how God protected me in the midst of this awful situation. Last year at this time, I was hard on myself for my vulnerability because I felt like it had gotten me in the position to be assaulted, but I had to reframe my thinking. Not everyone gets to have access to my vulnerability all the time. There is also a lot of strength in my vulnerability and it isn’t a weakness, though, but not everyone gets it at all times. 

I wouldn’t have chosen my story last year to be my story, but through my vulnerability of sharing it, I have had countless people reach out to me and share their stories. If me choosing to not stay silent means someone else in this world feels less alone, I’ll take it. 

If my story gives you anything, I hope it gives you hope that you can overcome hard things that you never thought you could. I hope it also shows you that God can bring abundantly more than you could ever ask or imagine into your life in the midst of it as well. I will forever be thankful that He turned my story around. I am also forever thankful that this anniversary hasn’t felt extremely heavy like I had originally expected, because He has healed so much in my heart, mind, and body since. The body might “keep the score” but God’s healing wins. And thank you Jesus for who you have brought into my life to celebrate with me tonight and rename September 18th “redemption day”. 

Thank you Jesus for being a Healer. **I say, with tears of gratitude in my eyes.**

“Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter

When you come close to sellin' out, reconsider

Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance”