My Story

My story began on September 16, 1998.


I was born that day. Man, the world had no idea what it was getting. A sassy girl, that had a big heart and lots of love. Yet, there would be many hardships that I was unaware of.


My memories of my younger years consist of hanging out with my cousins at our grandparent's house, spending time with my best friend at the time (my Grandma Judy), and so much happiness. In 2007, I had to have surgery on my skull. I had a mass that was growing on it and the more I grew, the more the "mass" grew. It was kind of like a benign tumor. The surgery was very expensive and my parents had no idea how they were going to pay for it. We got a lot of donations, but we were still short a lot of it. Thank so to a generous donor, we had all the money and my surgery took place on December 17, 2007. The doctors had to cut all the way from my left ear to my hairline to get it out. I was at Riley Hospital for 5 or 6 days. My surgery went great. I had to be really careful the following years, not to get hit in the head or be careful not to hit my head. Now, other than headaches, I don't really have any problems with my head.

I was little and "innocent" as this world likes to call it. I saw everything as good and never saw sadness, because my little brown eyes were optimistic. Little did I know, elementary school would show me the opposite of what I had always thought this world was.


I (sadly) remember the constant bullying that I dealt with all throughout elementary. I was treated badly, so I treated others bad. I had an awful attitude because I thought that was the way people were. It's pretty sad that the harsh memories are what we remember the most. It was not until the later years of elementary that the bullying started getting really demeaning. I had absolutely no friends at that time. My best friend was myself. I was always the outsider and never good enough for anyone. I was excluded from all activities. I sat by myself at recess and lunch. I would walk around with my hood up and my head down feeling so alone.


When I was in the fourth grade, I remember constantly getting picked on for every little thing that I did. These two individuals would not leave me alone and would constantly make fun of everything about me. I did my best to ignore it, but would cry myself to sleep at night. All they could say was that I was a tattle telling baby, and told me that I had no friends. I hated school, absolutely hated going and having to face them every day. I guess as a young naive girl, I thought that was the kind of attention that I deserved, because the next year, I went back to that same group, only it had grown, and gotten more overpowering.


They only felt good when they were making me feel powerless. I thought I had found “friends”, but in reality, I had found the opposite. I was terrified of them and just stayed “friends” so that I could have someone. Yes, I tattled, yes I “whined”. My only friend was my teacher, whom I am still close to today. I would get hateful notes, I got kicked out of their “group”. I was made fun of when I told someone that I looked up to them. I couldn't do anything without being called a loser. That's not even an exaggeration. Since I knew I was no longer "good enough" for these people, I finally started to go off on my own. I played alone at recess. I would occasionally try to play with someone, but no one wanted to be around me. I got treated like I had a disease.

Sixth grade came along and I didn't have any friends... still. I remember playing alone at recess every day. Most days, I would just sit by myself. I never really had anyone. Occasionally, I would go talk to people, but most of the time I got treated like an outsider. It got too hard for me to beat at one point and I ended up messaging my teacher from a different grade, telling her that I knew suicide wasn't the answer, but it was something that I was contemplating. One day when I was in class, I got called out by the vice principal, and when I went out to the hallway, my past teacher was there. I remember talking to her for over an hour in the counselor’s office and we were both crying. Talking to her that day was the reassurance that I needed. I finally felt like I had someone that cared about me. There were always people who did, but I was always listening to the wrong voices.


Junior high, I'd like to say was a little better. Other than the occasional, "no one likes you, I've never thought of you as a friend, you have no friends, I'm ashamed of you", messages that I received, it was better. I got those kind of messages a lot. I never really thought that I did anything wrong, but it was a frequent thing that happened. My parents both wanted to go to the school about all of this, but I knew that it would just make things worse, so I begged them not to. They hated seeing me like I was. Of course, I held a lot of the emotions in also. I remember crying myself to sleep so often that it became a habit. I was still letting a few of those people overpower me.


The biggest hardship that I had to deal with freshman year was when my parents got divorced. It was the summer before my freshman year that they started going through the process. I remember being mad at both of them because of what I thought they were doing to our family. I look back now and can see that I let too much get to me. Yes, we moved a few times, and it was stressful going back and forth, but now I can see how much happier my parents are. When I went to camp the next summer, I got baptized.


All throughout high school, there was the occasional laughing at, mocking, but nothing serious like the previous years. Junior year was a different story for me though... I let too many people in that didn't deserve my love. I had such a soft heart and didn't expect that it was going to get trampled on, put through the blender, and torn to shreds. I thought I had finally found my place. Then everything happened, family problems got worse, "friendships" at school were becoming mentally and emotionally abusive. I was getting treated like the scum on the bottom of your shoe, constantly. They didn't feel power or didn't feel good, unless they were making me feel powerless. People always told me that I should have stopped being friends with them a long time ago, and I knew it, but could not stop going back. I made a mistake junior year that the whole school found out about, and I was called so many names for it. It's sad that I was the one that fessed up about it, and still ended up getting hate for it. Powerless wasn't even the word to explain how I felt. I wanted to die. Like you've read in my past blog post, I was suicidal. I kept this hidden from everyone. I let my best friend catch a glimpse of it, and she was worried beyond worry, terrified for me. She helped get me through. I remember constantly praying, God please help this situation. It felt like he wasn't there at all. One day, I had had enough, and I finally talked to someone special that I look up to. I didn't want to come out and say it because I figured they would have to report it, and I couldn't gather myself to say the words. I was bawling, blubbering like a baby, on the edge of the cliff, trying to jump. My words were, "if a car was coming and I was in the way, I don't know that I would move." That made them start crying. The response that I got was, what if I was driving that car? How do you think I would feel? We both cried, and after over an hour of talking, the weight lift that I felt off of my shoulders was relieving. I got a hug and made sure the conversation was in confidence, they made sure that I was now okay and that I would go to a doctor. I went to a doctor and got prescribed medicine for my depression. If it would not have been for God placing these people in my life, I would not be here to share my story with you. I'm so thankful that I finally went and got help.


Ever since I got put on medicine, I can tell that I have been happier. Since I have more motivation now, you can tell that has helped my walk with Christ. I now read the Bible on a regular basis and listen to Christian music to help me get through the day. I ultimately know that God has been the biggest constant that has helped me get through my depression. His words speak to me in a different way now. I put my trust in God, and like 1 Peter 5:7 says, I cast my anxieties on God, because he cares for me. I now know more than ever that I have people that love me, and most importantly, I have an awesome God that loves me unconditionally, something no one on earth can compare to. I try my best to not let what people say bug me, even though I do an awful job at that.
Now, I know that I have a greater purpose. I know that my worth is not determined by someone’s opinion of me. I know that these things do not matter to a God like mine. There are so many rumors that people say these days, everyone makes up lies, and everyone believes them. It's more common to lie than tell the truth these days. Words get twisted, things are said over text or social media, instead of face to face. People hide behind their phones these days and say things worse than they would say in person. What can people really do though? What can they do to hurt us if we believe in a God that does not care about our past mistakes? "So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?" Hebrews 13:6. Humans are not capable of not sinning, and non-believers will not see any wrong in their doings, because they do not believe in and follow God. I know that I wish I could take back all of the mean things that I have ever said about others, because I know how it feels to be on the receiving end and would hate making anyone else feel that way. I know that God has forgiven me of that. I forgave, because it wasn't my job to carry this burden around. I'm so thankful I had all of my camp friends, all my family and other friends in my life to help me get through.


I hope that this story maybe helped you in some way. If I helped one person, then I did what God is calling me to do. I'm risking all of this happening all over again by sharing this story. But, like it says in Matthew 10:16, "I am sending you out as sheep among wolves." God knows that you will encounter trouble, but he also knows that you are strong enough to get through anything, and that he will help you if you ask. I believe that every good person that I have in my life right now, is because of God. I now put my faith in God, and no longer put my faith in people. I have forgiven all these people in my heart, even if I haven't gotten an apology. Everyone will disappoint you, but God never will. If you ever stray from the path, you can always come back and God will not judge you. If I did not know all of this truth, I would be so lost. “I once was lost, but now I’m found.” Thank God that he saved me. Everyday his mercies are new. Every day you can start over too. If I got through all of this, you can get through any battle facing you, because you are stronger than you think. Trust in God and you can never go wrong!




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