The Ugly Face of Major Depressive Disorder

(Don't read this if suicide and depression are sensitive subjects for you.)

MDD. It's ugly. It came and hit like a category 5 hurricane.
No interest to do anything, except sleep. That sounds great. Except... the nightmares. They hit and there is no relief because you can't wake yourself up. You sleep more than normal, yet you are so tired. Always. Yet, you sleep to try to get some relief, even though there is none.
The stress of everything is 100x harder than it ever has been. Everything bad that has ever happened comes flooding back. You have panic attacks. You feel like you can't breathe, and you wish that you weren't. Nothing sounds good. You rarely take showers because it feels like it steals so much of your energy. You look at yourself in the mirror and you can't even tell who the person is looking back at you. You know suicide is not the right answer, yet it is haunting you day by day. Everyday. You have no drive to live, to try. You have always known that suicide is not the answer, yet it seems like the only one that makes sense at this point. It keeps ringing in your ear.
No one understands how hard it is to go on when the voices keep telling you to stop. You isolate yourself from everyone. Your PTSD from the past of always getting told you weren't good enough so many times comes flooding back. Every time someone even looks at you wrong you shut down. You're gone already and they don't even realize. Or care. They treat you bad once and you isolate yourself. The memories are back and it feels like it is all happening all over again. You get called overly sensitive, yet it is an illness you can't fix. You have switched medicines. You are going to a counselor. You have reached out. You have called the number. You have cried out for God to heal you. You have seeked God. Why isn't he answering? Why is this happening? Why do I feel this way? Why do I want to die when I have so many things in my life that are so great? Why won't my mind let me be happy for even just a little bit? Why, why did it get bad all of a sudden? WHY?!
You know it's the devil. But why why is he winning? Why is everyone isolating themselves from you all of a sudden? Why do you feel so alone? I guess I wouldn't want to be around someone who was like this either... Actually, I would, because I know what it is like to feel like you have no one. Because I feel like that now...

Hi, this is my story, but I am sure you have probably already guessed that by now. See, this is what major depressive disorder feels like. 

"Major depressive disorder (MDD), also known simply as depression, is a mental disorder characterized by at least two weeks of low mood that is present across most situations. It is often accompanied by low self-esteem, loss of interest in normally enjoyable activities, low energy, and pain without a clear cause." 

Yes, I have it. I have been diagnosed. I have also been diagnosed with PTSD from things I have dealt with in my past. (No, it does not just happen in the military.)

"Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event." 

These thoughts take over your life. Can you imagine living like this? Living, but wanting to be dead? Well what does that solve, you ask? What does death solves? See, it makes your pain end. You know that it causes others pain, but in the moment, it feels like some people can spare some hurt. You have hurt for so long and you just want some relief. You have reached out, but see everyone gets tired of the depressed girl. Everyone. They say they are there for you, but are they really? You're crying in the shower just wanting the pain to end and it feels like your world is ending. You wish it was.
I'm a Christian, and I can't make these thoughts go away. I believe in my God. I believe everything the Bible says. I recite the Bible verses that are supposed to help me, in my head. Heck, every song I have on my phone that I listen to is Christian music, so why am I still feeling this way? I am in so much pain and I don't know why. I can't explain. This is the best I can do.
And see, it feels like no one cares anymore. They act like they do for a little bit, ask what is wrong, the conversation lasts for about ten minutes over text. They never call. They don't care enough to. That's the problem. They don't care until it is too late. You're dead and gone and then they talk about how much they love you, even though when you were alive, they never told you. See why do people wait until it is too late?
They say, "she will never kill herself. She talks about it too much." Guess what, she has already tried. "She says she is depressed, so she isn't." Maybe she wants attention, maybe she needs attention, maybe she needs someone to tell her that they care... Maybe she needs someone to tell her she isn't alone.
I want to end the stigma with mental illness. It is the worst pain you can go through. SOME PEOPLE DON'T HAVE A REASON TO BE DEPRESSED, BUT THEY STILL ARE. Okay? They can't help it, and making a person feel worse about being depressed is the worst thing you can do. You think suicide is stupid? No, see what is stupid is making someone feel like that is the only answer. Don't drive someone to feel that way.
And while we are at it, why don't you go ahead and tell that person you love them tonight. Give someone a compliment. Tell someone you are there for them. Call them. Visit them. We all need someone. Feeling like you don't have anyone is the most lonely feeling in the world, and it is sad that anyone ever feels that way... See when a person is at their breaking point, they feel like a shattered mirror already. The mirror just needs one little tap and all the glass goes crashing on the ground.
So, I don't really know how to end this, but I want to say, go hug that depressed girl or boy, we all need encouragement, and a person can't fight it on their own....

Please share with the tag #ENDtheStigma