A Look into My World

"I'll be honest with all that I've been through

I've been runnin' after everything but you

And I'll be honest

Nothing satisfies

Like the love I find inside your eyes"

My depression decided to rear its ugly head again, only this time, it's worse than normal. This is the worst stage I have ever went through and I don't know when it is going to end, but I hope it is soon. Listen, I know suicide is not the answer, but do you know how hard it is to fight those thoughts away when you have them? My depression doesn't really have a reason I guess like some people would say. I just know that it is hard to be happy when your inner thoughts fight with you constantly. I am on a liberal campus away from my family so maybe that is an explanation. Sometimes there isn't an explanation. I just know that currently I'm typing through tears. 

The last two weeks I have been waking up with awful headaches and I have been having terrible dreams. I can't even escape my thoughts when I sleep. I have dreams of me running from someone tearing me down, I'm crying and shaking at my breaking point and then someone from home shows up to save me. I have dreams of me attempting to kill myself. Like where is it coming from? My thoughts come out in the open when I sleep even so I am scared to even do something that used to be my escape. 

See, sometimes there is no reason for being depressed, it just happens. I don't know how everyone else handles their depression, but mine pretty much takes over my whole life. Everyday I wake up and I do not feel any better. For me lately it has been these awful headaches and thoughts about my many weird dreams that I had the night before. I cry a lot now in my dorm room when I am alone because believe it or not, I really don't want to e a burden to anyone. I very rarely reach out to people because I don't want to bug them. I guess me sharing my story on facebook is my weird way of reaching out to people. Trying to find some sense of hope in people's words. I try to read the Bible, and I have more lately, but I feel like I should be in the right state of mind to do that.

A lot of people would say, what are you depressed about? You have a great life. Nothing to be sad about. You know, that is true and it makes me even sadder thinking about that. Like, why am I depressed? Why do I fight a daily battle when I don't want to feel this way?

I have been taking naps a lot more now. Even though I have been having terrible dreams, it still seems like an . escape from the real world. I sometimes can no longer handle my thoughts so I sleep after I get the majority of my homework done. I take a nap hoping to get rid of the awful headaches I have been having, only to have little to no relief. 

This was on a blog post that I read recently: "Have you ever felt like everyone around you was living a full life? Not to say they are — or you are not — but I’ve found sometimes through my own pain it can seem like everyone else has nothing to fight off. I wake up every day with immense dread that I’m no longer asleep, or worse, that I’m not finally dead. I finally find the courage to get out of bed five hours after my alarm goes off to go to the bathroom and maybe find some food, but after that I’m back into my nest of blankets and pillows that once in a while seems to guard me from the monsters in my head — the monsters that surround me."

See, this week for the first time, I am seeing a Christian counselor hoping to get some kind of relief from my inner thoughts. I'm nervous, but desperate to find answers. I don't want to be like this any longer. Feeling like there is no hope in tomorrow, feeling dead inside. I don't want to make people around me sad anymore and that is why I isolate myself anymore. I know God calls me loved and cherished, but my daily thoughts tell me otherwise, and I try to fight them, I do. But sometimes, it's a losing battle. (most of the time it is a losing battle)

And while I am at my breaking point, I play "Better" by Britt Nicole over and over again in my head. I'm hurting inside, and I need some relief, I know God can give it to me, and hopefully one day I can fight off these thoughts and win the battle that the devil is fighting me at. I don't want to let him win, because giving up means I am not trusting God. I never want that to be true. 

So I will sing Have Your Way and believe that one day I will win this battle, and while I hope it's soon, I know I am going through this for some reason. I hope one day my struggles can lead to helping someone with similar battles although I would never wish this on anyone.

"So I'll stop searching for the answers,

I'll stop praying for an escape,

And I'll trust you, god, with where I am,

And believe that you will have your way.

Just have your way."

"Some days feel like forever

But it won't be long

Until your sitting on top of the world"